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I've been meaning to write here for a while, but sometimes I just get eaten up for a while. Anyway, last Wednesday was my birthday, and now I am twenty years old. I feel just the same, so I'm not going to think about it much. It was a very lovely day - my friends sang happy birthday at lunch, which was both mortifying and very sweet. Later in the evening, John bought sushi for me and it was delicious and tasty and all the other good things that sushi can be. Then there was cake from Peter and AJ, delicious German chocolate cake! And singing, and action figures (pirates vs. ninjas on the top) and a teeny teeny Nerf gun from Peter. We played Brawl, hung out, and plotted a tea party for Friday. Normally a birthday party would entail lots of alcohol but because I don't drink it was allllll tea. The requirement was that one wore a magnificent hat and did not bring a bunny. I had rose hip tea for the first time, which was very good, and we popped lots of bubble wrap. Later that night I saw Clash of the Titans. It was amusing, despite being terrible. Also my favorite character died, dammit. He was so much more badass than the meathead main character, who was just typical typical typical. Also I wanted more of the gods to get involved, dammit.

Lessee. Last night was also amusing. Didn't do much, really, but play Brawl and watch Castle. Later, though, we went outside because a few were drinking out there which is not allowed in the dorm. Excellent choice. We got to make fun of a couple making out against a wall, and I was privy to several extremely amusing conversations. Also John and Wes tried to teach me how to fight, both while completely smashed. Wahahaha.

In other news, I've stopped taking one of the medications, the short-short term one. It was a difficult adjustment- no instant relief every day, but I think I'm pretty well used to it by now. I'm still having one difficulty with the mediation, which is that I can't relax the center of the anxiety, no matter how hard I try or how long I do it for. I have a few different strategies, but. Before all of this happened, I had not gone one day in my life without that anxiety there throughout the entire day, good or bad one. Now that I've finally felt that, a day free of it, weeks free of it, I don't want to go back to just trying to work around it. I want to get rid of it. I suppose I will just have to keep trying.

Good things: I got into the Writing Associates program! Yes! I am so, so happy that I did. Also, I got an A on my poetry midterm portfolio. Finished the WWI book, which was amazing. Called "The Pity of War", by Niall Ferguson. Still having mostly good days. Perfect score on last Arabic test. Having fun.

Trees are crashing down

Jesus fuck. And I thought I had some time. Fuck.

It was only science fiction.

So, oh, oh, oh. Spring break is almost over but yes it has been a nice one. Relaxed. Haven't gotten too much work done but hey, that's what today is for. Haaahhh...the future looks good. Also scary. But good, too, and that's the thing to hold on to. Yes. All my friends, I love you all and I wish you all happiness. Be well, everyone! Even though it's snowing today, real spring will be here soon and we will all be together in the summer. I love you. I love thinking of you and feeling happy and warm and safe.

Illumination. Writing an essay. I woke up and I have this poem almost ready to write on Oda Nobunaga. Today is going to be a good day. Buying happiness? In some form.

I'm reaching over, life to life.

Building back up from the ground.

I am currently on spring break, and have just been relaxing like crazy. A friend from school drove me and John back, dropped John off, and came to stay here for the weekend and we had a lot of relaxed fun. My house has been deemed the relaxing house - if you are here you must relax. It's nice. Things have been very nice.

Before we left Trinity we had a bbq on the quad, out in the lovely spring air...ahhh, it was such niceness. And as the weather gets warmer we will have them more often! Yes.

What else has happened. Let me see.
I have tried smoking a hookah, failed at going to a party, become the ultimate procrastinator as far as essays go but still managed to get them in on time, officially declared both my majors (History and Creative Writing! woo!), applied for a job as a Writing Associate, got a beautiful new guitar, made out with a (girl)friend as a prank, been a lot happier.

I'm in such a good place right now that it feels like magic. I can barely believe that a month ago every day was such a struggle. There are still some bad moments, yes, and still some things that bother me like hell, but I'm taking care of them. I'm doing what I have to do.

And something else may happen soon, yes, something else...eeeeeheee.

And then life hits you and you go down.

Why, hello there livejournal, it's been a long time. It's been a hard time.

The past two months have been the most difficult of my entire life. I've had other times that are sadder, that have made me angrier, that have been worse but that has all been the result of other people, other things. As soon as I got back from winter break I had what I can only describe as a mental mindfuck,and my anxiety pretty much swallowed me alive. I could barely do homework, hang out with people, practice my guitar, write, anything. It made things with John too stressful. We broke up. A month ago yesterday. And that was incredibly painful BUT just so we know thing are going well. We are planning on discussing getting back together in the fall. Anyway. I was paralyzed: that's the only way I can think to put it. But I started going to the counseling center, and whoa, that didn't work out at first. Met with the wrong person, I guess, and I was still pretty desperate, and things still sucked so eventually my mother told me that I needed something. I'm not usually like that. Even if I'm unhappy I spring back from it fairly quickly - happiness tends to be my usual state even if I am in the midst of an anxious time. So, anyway, now I'm taking two different antianxiety medications, one for longer term, one which I should be off next week or the week after. I've started meditating at least twice every day.

I feel like I've just had the hardest fight of my life and somehow, somehow, I came out on top. Four weeks ago the future seemed crushing, every day a struggle with the promise of waking up the next morning with my heart racing and all my thoughts infected. I feel happier now, and stronger - these past two weeks have been amazing. My mom and John have been sources of strength like I couldn't even imagine - without them I don't know where I'd be. My friends here have also been so helpful, and most of them don't even know what's been going on.

I've been to a couple friends' birthday parties, smoked a few times, hung out and played video games, written poetry, practiced my guitar. I feel happier. I feel stronger. I've started to declare my majors - almost done with that. Everything is starting to go well and I think it will get even better.

I saw Muse with John on Saturday and holy shit it was AMAZING. AMAAAAZING AND EPIC AND AMAZING. There were lasers and towers and spinning drums and Matt Bellamy being completely insane and OH MAH GAAHHHD. Played Uprising at the beginning, favorites in the middle were Starlight and Time is Running Out and Hysteria, and an epic epic epic encore finish with Knights of Cydonia. It was an incredible concert, and we had a great view even if we were very far off. The green lasers looked like fireflies all over the audience. In the space between the last song and the encore, people were waving their lighters and cellphones and since we were above it all it looked beautiful, like a giant constellation. After the concert we went back to my house and stayed there the night (a little weird since John slept on the floor and I on the bed) and mummy drove us back to Trinity the next morning.

Yesterday night I hung out in a friend's room and we watched scary movies until three in the morning and I rolled around the floor in lovely lovely comforters.

Things are going well. I am happier. I hope this keeps getting better.

Coincidence

This morning I had German stuck in my head all throughout Arabic class and then when I walked into my next class someone had written "Die Welt ist nur ein Hospital" on the blackboard.

At ease

Ooohhhkayy. This past week was pretty tough in terms of getting adjusted but I think everything's good now. I like all of my classes, and all of my professors seem good as of right now. So, good.

Jan. 23rd, 2010

So, vacation is coming to a close. All in all I think it was a pretty good one, very relaxing except for the bit where I got my wisdom teeth out. I even went out for sushi two nights in a row, which was amazing. Urrr I love sushi so much and I may be getting some tonight (again) if mom and I go out out to dinner tonight. This new place is pretty cheap and very delicious.

I go back to school tomorrow, which is nice but there are still things that I'm nervous about and I hope everything works out okay. Hurgh.

On Vicodin.

I am never, ever, becoming addicted to pain medication. Spent from quarter of two to six thirty last night curled in a heap on the bathroom floor. GODDAMN. I hate nights like that and I haven't had one for years, way before I started college. It feels like it will never end and everything sucks and urrgh. But the teeth feel fine today, so I am not taking any more goddamn painkillers. Urgh. But at least there was someone to take care of me, which was the best part of the whole thing.

The weekend was nice, despite the fact that I couldn't ski and couldn't read, write, or draw. That sucked. So we watched a ton of movies, haha. Inglorious Basterds, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Public Enemies, Disturbia (SUCKED SUCKED SUCKED), 28 Weeks Later. Lazed about, rolled around. John and I walked down to the river at one point, and it was completely frozen over. We wandered across and he threw plates of ice down in where the river was weaker. Ice very cool looking, all frozen layers of blue. Anyway. Relaxing weekend.

Oh man I want sushi so badly urr durr urrrrr

Disconnected light switches.

So apparently I can't read or write without getting sick. Not on the computer, I mean. SUCKTASTIC

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